The Perfect Headline

Boehner Calls for Weiner Resignation

2011-06-14T09:23:00.000-07:00

ABCNews.com; 6/14/2011

Nothing I can say here could possibly improve on that.

Financial Journalist Alex Blumberg Disdains ‘Hipster’ Tater Tots, Loves a Good Manhattan

2011-04-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

GrubStreet.com; 4/15/2011

Um. Ok.

Naked man battles police robot

2011-04-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

CNN.com; 4/7/2011

Well, I'm never going to top that one.

Maine legalizing switchblades for one-armed people

2011-04-07T09:47:00.000-07:00

MSNBC.com; 4/7/2011

It's a niche market.

Paraplegic beat laughing molester

2011-04-06T05:27:00.000-07:00

ABCNews.com; 4/5/2011

Good on ya', mate.

Football player who lost leg now plays basketball

2011-03-29T05:01:00.000-07:00

KMBC, Kansas City; 3/29/2011 Well, at least we know now which sport is more physically demanding.

Florida man wins lottery, must visit mom

2011-03-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

NBCMiami.com; updated 3/16/2011

Always read the fine print.

WATCH: One-Legged Cheerleader Takes Stand

2010-02-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

ABCNews.com; 2/12/2010

The fact that the headline is a link to a video story makes it even more perfect.

Inmate in wheelchair escapes on foot

2009-12-03T05:14:00.000-08:00

CNN.com; 12/3/2009

A headline this perfect could resurrect a blog.

Autopsy could provide clues in woman's death

2009-07-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

State Journal-Register; 7/28/09

Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?

'Tourette kids "let it all out" at special camp'

2009-07-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

CNN.com; 7/27/09

!#@$% yeah!

'Mind Games Dangerous For Schizophrenic Kids'

2009-07-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

ABCNews.com; 7/1/2009

And for those in the immediate vicinity, I would imagine.

It's back!

2009-07-02T16:11:00.001-07:00

After receiving gentle but insistent nagging from a handful of dedicated readers, I'm pulling TPH out of mothballs! Check back often!

Pilot dies during wildfire; state hopes for snow

2008-05-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

(CNN; 4/16/2008)

Just chew on that for a while.

'Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks'

2008-02-02T10:06:00.000-08:00

(Fox-5, Washington, D.C; 2/1/2008)

Well, duh!

(Thanks to AverageJane for this entry.)

'Bridge planned where city hopes to flood'

2008-01-10T09:26:00.000-08:00

(State Journal-Register; 1/10/08)

Huh?

'Slain wife points accusing finger from the grave'

2008-01-02T14:03:00.000-08:00

(CNN.com; 1/2/08)

If a slain wife points an accusing finger from the grave, and no one is in the graveyard to see it, is the alleged murderer actually guilty?

'Opinion: Clemens descends to hell'

2007-12-14T09:53:00.000-08:00

(Washington Post; 12/14/07)

Well, I'm glad they clarified it was an op-ed piece. I would have thought Roger got his judgment early otherwise.

'Pig-brain mist suspected in workers' disease'

2007-12-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

(AP; 12/10/07)

WTF?!? Seriously, this is the headline for which the acronym "WTF" was coined. Or rather, it should be.

'Naked men enter store, calmly buy Skittles'

2007-12-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

(CNN.com; 12/5/07)

"Calmly." A single word puts this head in the perfect headline stratosphere. Hell, I get excited buying Skittles fully clothed. These guys are paragons of self control!

'SIUE students accused of burning man with hot cookies'

2007-11-07T13:38:00.000-08:00

(State Journal-Register; 11/07/2007)

I love hot cookies -- particularly when they contain delicious, sensuously melting chocolate chips. That's why I was devastated when a co-worker pointed me in the direction of this headline.

I feel heartsick that something so wonderful, so pure, so perfect has now at least one link with violence. Now, I have to be on the lookout for similarly innocence-smashing headlines as "Area woman bludgeoned by puppy" or "Man suffers seizure while watching Milla Jovovich film."

Audience participation!

2007-11-05T08:52:00.000-08:00

I received a couple of beauts from my some actual, real-live readers.

From Average Jane:
Giving 'Dry Town' New Meaning
(FoxNews.com, Nov. 1)

Sounds like the town in question needs a good lubin'!

***

And from Mrs. Z:
Hunter recovering after being shot by dog
(MSNBC.com; Oct. 30)

Perfect.

'Cheney says being Darth Vader not so bad'

2007-11-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

(MSNBC.com; 11/1/07)

Bush, however, said to resent being Jar Jar.

'Seinfeld: Wife not guilty of 'vegetable plagiarism''

2007-10-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

(CNN.com; 10/31/07)

I have no idea what this means. And I would prefer to savor the mystery.

'Should you pick foreclosure or bankruptcy?'

2007-10-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

(MSNBC.com; 10/29/07)

I'd like to choose "C," please. At least in the old "Cake or Death" conundrum, cake is an option. At least until they run out of cake.

'Tuberculosis outbreak blamed on stripper'

2007-10-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

(MSNBC.com; 10/20/07)

Ummmm ... ok. I just hope they checked her for rickets.

'Walnut Street briefly closed to investigate report of troubled man'

2007-10-19T12:49:00.001-07:00

(State Journal-Register; 10/19/07)

The blues ain't welcome on Walnut Street. Close it down 'till we figure this shit out!

'Spice Girls to Team Up with Victoria's Secret'

2007-10-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

(BANG; 10/17/07)

Quintessential TPH material. I didn't dare click through, because I very much liked my mental picture of the Spice Girls (who still look pretty damn good despite being 10 years past their 15 minutes of fame) modeling the latest line of Victoria's Secret lingerie.

Triple points for the appropriateness of the news service name.

'IDOT truck runs over homeless man sleeping along I-55'

2007-10-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

(State Journal-Register, 10/11/07)

I'm not sure if the Team Illinois Department of Transportation was actively participating in Death Race 2007, but I'm pretty sure the homeless aren't worth extra points.

'Boy with allergies can eat only 6 foods'

2007-10-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

(MSNBC.com; 10/11/07)

Your first thought is "which six"? But what makes this The Perfect Headline (TPH) material -- especially if you're self-centered, like me -- is that you immediately say screw the kid and start wondering, "If I could only eat six foods, what would I want them to be?"

'Clown arrested on porn charges'

2007-10-19T12:37:00.000-07:00

(State Journal-Register; 10/10/07)

Anyone who's ever heard "Kinko, the Kid-Loving Clown" doesn't need to read another word. For the sake of posterity, this clown's name was Klutzo.

What is this place?

2007-10-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

A spinoff of Graduate Level Sykesology, this blog is a celebration of perfect headlines gathered from online and print sources. Now, a good headline is succinct and strong. It makes the reader want to read more.

And then there are the headlines that are so great you don't want to read the story because it will wreck the image that has formed in your head. And it is these heads that this blog will feature.